日记

Tommorow is just three hours's ahead. I did not feel like doing anything today. I tried to force myself to read Foucault's Archaeology of Knowledge. But it is too hard to understand. So I lost my patience and ended up with surfing the Internet. Why did not Foucault use short sentences? It seems that he did not like dot at all. When I reach the end the sentence, I have forgotten what he says at the beginning of it. I managed several pages, but did not understand a thing. I prefer Anthony Giddens' writing style. His work would not cause indigestion.

My supervisor – Jane invited me for lunch today. I told her on Monday that I felt bit of lonely since most people in the SIRC left for Xmas. Then she said that she would like to invite me for a lunch. Actually, I recovered from feeling lonely yesterday. Victor is still here in the office across the corridor. He also feels bit of lonely. So we leave the doors of our offices open in order to shout to each other. Just the thought that somebody who I can talk to is here, not necessarily the talk itself, diminishes my loneliness. Equally, the thought that I would be the only soul in the office for many days created huge distress. It seems that somehow we live in thought. I invited Victor for Saturday’s dinner. He invited me for Xmas party. Unfortunately, I accepted the university chaplaincy’s offer a long time ago. So I have to decline Victor’s offer. Anyway, these anticipated gatherings help me to put the loneliness behind me.

Xmas is just around the corner. The university is empty again. I had thought that my resistance to loneliness were strong, if I were not immuned to it, since I have been alone for a long time and therefore got used to it. But I am wrong. This weekend I could feel that loneliness was looming large. This morning, SIRC seemed empty. Most people left for holiday. I stayed in the office alone. It seemed that I were the only person in a dead world. Loneliness fell upon me. Someone said that loneliness is that you have no one to talk to when you are in a crowd. Suddenly, I realized that this is not the worst scenario. The worst one is that you are both alone and lonely. I felt restless. I could not sit at the table concentrating on what I was supposed to do. It seemed that I was scared of something. What was I scared of? Hopelessly alone. I wanted to escape. I must immerse myself in a crowd. I could not bear the thought that I am in a empty, dead building alone... ...

The rain has stopped. It is time to go home. I have not done anything meaningful today, though I sitted here for 7 hours. It does not matter, anyway. No one can make full use of life. Life is meant to be lived, rather than to be made good use of. No matter how do we live our lives, it is a way of life. No one can be sure that one way is better than the other. I hardly moved my body today. So I should go out to have a walk first. A computer body is not what I want.

A new week started. Next week is the last week of the first term. Next Thursday there is SIRC Xmas event, and Friday there is School of Social Sciences party. After that, the University will be deadly quiet. The time for loneliness comes.

I feel down today. Having watched TV for two hours, I was got hold of by fidgets. So restless that I decided to go out and have a walk. When I passed by SIRC, I saw the light is on in Victor's office. So I came in and thought that a chat with Victor might help to discharge my restlessness. He is working. I could not disturb him too much. He should not become the victim of my low spirit, should him? So I came here and switched my computer.....

The first time I donated money at my free will. On the way to the Chinese supermarket this afternoon, I was stopped by a lady. She told me that they are going to Germany to do some missionary work to help poor children. I realized that she wanted me to contribute some money. Normaly, I would refuse, partly because I usually don't carry money with me, partly because I am a poor man. But this time I gaved her five pounds. I don't know why. Though I have donated for several times in China, these donations were forced and I really hate such donations. These donations are acutally robery. This is the first time that I did not donate agaist my will. Why was I willing to give this time? Probably, as Boots' advertisement says: giving feels good.

Nick is going onboard a container ship tomorrow to do his fieldwork. He will be sailing with this ship from Southampton to Singapore and spend his Xmas there. Chantal will fly to Singapore before Xmas to join him. We had a tea break this afternoon to wish him a good trip. I will lose one supervisor for some days. Anyway, it does not matter too much. I still have another one. And in next several months, I do not think I need supervion too much. My chief task is doing fieldwork and collecting data. Before the progress interviewers interview me, probably, I need a supervison to prepare myself for that. Jane is very experienced. I am sure her supervision alone will do a good job.

Syamantak invited me to go to his house and have dinner with them this evening. I love free dinner, no matter whether it is Indian one, Chinese one, or whatsoever, haha. I installed Skype in my computer this morning. I tested it by dialing my mobile number. It worked. Hopefully, now I can phone home much cheap. Several days ago I read the news that China Telecom are buying the firewall techology from an American company to ban Chinese Skype users making computer-to-phone calls. I hope that this firewall does not ban receiving these calls. Anyway, if my calls to China are banned, I can use it for calling here. I have only bought 10 Euro's credit. Even if I cannot call any phone through it (which is very unlikely), I only lose 10 Euro. I must try tomorrow to call home.

Today is Thanks-giving day. Jessica brought a pumpkin pie again. Unfortunately, I never like it. Actually,I don't like any pie at all. It is neither crispy like biscuits, nor soft like cakes. But I had to pretend that I liked it. That is life. We are all wearing masques everyday. We have to be what we are supposed to be, instead of what we really are.We are all actors, performing the role we are assuming.